No Mercy for the Rude (2006)

No Mercy for the Rude is the story of a mute orphan who grows up to be a master vegetable slicer, then discovers that to afford an operation to fix his tongue, he needs to become a stylish poet-hitman with an obsession for matadors and the only girl that was nice to him at the orphanage. It’s quite a funny movie, but it also features rather a lot of knife murders and splashing blood, and bad haircuts (I’m looking at you helmet-hair!). Also, hotsecks and ballet knife fights.

Little did I know that I’d previously a seen a movie by the same (Korean) director & lead actor, Sympathy for Mr Vengeance – if I had realised I probably wouldn’t have seen this one, Mr Vengeance was the boring, slow, and somewhat incoherant tale of a deaf guy who tries to get money to pay for his sisters surgery, but ends up with everyone around him dead, and then killed himself. This time up, they take the crazy, and they take the defects, and they make something quite interesting.

I don’t think many retards read my site (anymore), but if there are any of you out there running your finger alone the lines of text trying to decipher the meaning of words like ‘hilarity’ or ‘hotsecks’, this isn’t a movie for you. (i.e. Subtitles.)

I thought it was good.

Don’t watch this video.

Don’t watch this video unless you’re really keen to see a bunch of nastiest old crap extruded out of a guys neck. As the video says in the first few seconds: “The Nastiest Cyst Removal Ever!!! Caution strong stomach needed.” This isn’t reverse psychology, I’m not trying to trick you into pushing play.

Now push play. (Don’t push play.)

[youtube]http://youtube.com/watch?v=6qHhjNcGhDQ[/youtube]

I confess that I rather enjoyed it – let’s be honest, this is a bunch of guys (and a girl) performing minor surgery on their mate at home – but it’s late and I’m all hopped up on curry, so my perspective may well be distorted.

ASUS Eee PC 701

I don’t know about you but I like laptops. I remember being completely astonished one day, many years ago, when I was in a Dick Smith store and I saw that they had a laptop for under $3k, it was an ASUS. It made me drool.

Then I realised that I hardly even used my normal computer, and didn’t need one. So I had my money for other less practical things. Like never wearing the same sock twice. (Ok, so this is an exageration, but I did build up an awful lot of socks. These days I’ve cut my collection back – I now have only around 30 pairs of black socks.)

As I was writing this article it ocurred to me that I couldn’t remember what I used to do with my time after I burned out and stopped geeking at home – but now I do remember, I trained at Karate like a freak. 1 – 3 hours per day, 5 or 6 days a week. For instance every Monday I’d leave work at noon, go to the dojo and spar for an hour and a half, then head back to work until 6 when I’d leave for the dojo again and train for another hour or so. (This is why, even years later, it’s no problem for me to kick your arse. Seriously, I’d completely humiliate you. You have no idea.)

Anyway, fast forward a couple of years, and instead of having a hot nurse girlfriend that liked to fuck a lot and go out for curries, I then had a hot internet geek girlfriend that liked to sit on the couch and read all of the webs – all of them, especially if they were about girl things like sewing and psychologically torturing your boyfriend – and go out for curries.

So I revisited my decision and went and picked up an IBM Thinkpad.

Here’s the thing about Thinkpads – they’re built incredibly well so they never ever ever die. But that also means that even when they’re well past their use by date they still work. So of course my laptop still runs, but it kind of sucks. It can’t decode TV/movies smoothly, doesn’t have built in wifi, and gets about 20 minutes of battery life (or 2 if the wifi is on).

I loved that laptop for a long time, but now I was thinking “maybe I’ll get a new laptop* then, huh?” but then it ocurred to me “I’d far rather go and train Muay Thai for a couple of weeks in Thailand than get a laptop”, so I didn’t get a laptop.

(* I was initially thinking about one of the high spec and super nice Dell XPS 1210s, now that the even nicer and far sexier Dell XPS 1330 is out it would be that. Though I confess that the robustness of the business focused Dell Latitude d630 is pretty damn nice as well.)

And then I thought… “But Morgan, you’ve never trained in Muay Thai in your damn life.” So I didn’t do that either (yet).

I say this without a hint of conceit, but it is increasingly apparent that ASUS base all of their product decisions around what I do, so they’ve decided to reward my incredible lack of action by releasing something very special into the ultralight/subnote category of laptops.

The ASUS Eee PC 701. A terrible name for a teeny tiny little laptop with a wee little 7″ screen – a 10″ version slated for release in early 2008 – 7″ is roughly half the size of most normal laptop screens, but it weighs well under a kilogram. Uses flash memory instead of a hard drive, so is nearly silent. Has built in webcam, Wireless 802.11b/g, 4 USB ports (take note Apple), and comes preinstalled with Xandros linux. (Windows XP compatible if you’d prefer to install that.) It has an energy efficient Intel Dothan 900MHz CPU and 512MB of RAM, and even with a tiny little lightweight battery has a claimed 3 hours of life.

The kicker? Well now, that would have to be the price.

Early reports were that the entry level model – with the smallest amount of flash memory – would be US$199. more recently this has creeped up (ASUS doubled the amount of flash in the lowest spec model) to around the US$250 mark. This is an astonishingly good price considering that similar devices (with varying features, from less impressive to vastly superior) in this niche go for between US$600 – US$2000.

(It’s important to note that ASUS have announced different price points in different territories, the Europeans get a much worse price, closer to US$400, the original US$199 price was announced as applying in North America and Asia, so I hope we’re counted as Asia and don’t get the European price.)

Release is expected within about 4 – 6 weeks.

My excitement is somewhat tempered by a fear that the size of the device will mean it’s not suitable for anything but very brief email, and web browsing – all hands on reviews I’ve read so far have said it’s a pretty nifty little thing, with a 15 second startup time, which is bloody good – the slightly smaller than standard keyboard and much smaller than normal screen might turn out to suck, or they might be completely worth the trade-off in size & weight. Yet another in the long list of things that can only be decided once a person has had the opportunity actually use one.

If we get the US/Asia price I’ll be bagging one as soon as it’s released here, if we get the European price I’ll wait until more people have them in hand before I make my decision.

I’m doubly excited about the weight because in addition to being much more portable than a normal laptop, it just might save my life… I’m ashamed to admit (I will deny this if you ever tell anyone) that I have, more than once, fallen asleep with my Thinkpad on my chest while reading – only to wake up gasping for breath. So there you go.

Eagle vs Shark (2006)

An offbeat dysmantic (good word, eh?) comedy about a loser jerk (he’s a bit thick, and he’s a jerk because he’s been badly damaged by the loss of his brother, and possibly by his father’s favoritism of his bro before he died) played by Flight of the Conchords guy Jemaine Clement and the sweet simple girl (Loren Horsly) that loves him – and wins him over through her use of MAD GAMER SKILLZ – as they meet, fall in… whatever it is they fall in… and then take a trip to his hometown to take down his high school nemesis Eric the Samoan.

Heaps of faces you know (and probably an equal number of other faces you’d know if only you were a Wellingtonist), putting in some great performances.

I’m pretty sure that you don’t need to be a raving parochial loon like me to enjoy this movie. Sure, so some of it isn’t funny, it’s not all meant to be funny, there’s lots of actual story in there too, but the bits that are meant to be funny? They’re high-larious.

Director Taika Waititi introduced the movie and did a Q&A afterwards, dude has some mad charisma going on. He’s seriously charming. I now officially have the hots for him (now I just have to knock off his long term partner – and star of the movie – Loren Horsely).

Actually I called Loren the star, but the real star (if you count the tracksuits out of the running) had to be sweet little child actress Morag Hills – that dance sequence? That was awesome. Talk about your complicated choreography. (teehee)

Listen, just go and see it, you’ll laugh your big fat arse off. And when you come out you’ll want a human sized hamster wheel. (Oh yes you WILL!)

Jesus Camp (2006)

A great little doco about American Evangelical Christians, as represented by half a handful of their little fundy kids. The kids are charming, lovely and passionate. But of course they’ve been lied to their entire lives, so what they’re passionate about is complete bullshit.

I already had some idea about most of what they showed in this movie, all the speaking in tongues, indoctrinating children when they’re young (even home schooling them, one of the stats presented in the movie is that 75% of home schooled kids in the states are children of evangelical christians), and so on… What I didn’t know was that in addition to being a huge hypocrite Ted Haggard is also a gigantic arsehole.

They do show the kids being creepy, and they show them crying and babbling in tongues and lying shaking on the floor, but they don’t actually make fun of them. They seem to be quite even handed – the opposing view point (that these people are creepy, that they’ve taken over the entire US, and they’re incredibly dangerous) is presented by a moderate (read: sane) Christian radio host. He does a great job. But these people don’t care about their bible, so of course when he quotes scripture at them they just huff and puff and talk some more.

A very funny moment was when they were having children in a youth ministry come forward, take a microphone, and talk about whatever subject they wanted to. A lovely little blonde boy walks up with his bible, and talks about how hard it is to believe in a God that he can’t feel and that doesn’t speak to him, and that basically he doesn’t believe. The reaction shots from the other kids are AWESOME. (He’s going to be a cool guy when he’s older, I bet.)

Wonderful movie, I hope you get a chance to see it. (Moderate Christians won’t be offended, and I don’t give two strokes if fundys are offended through the scales on their eyes or not.)

Vacancy (2007)

What the hell just happened? Did you hear that?

Coming in at about 75 odd minutes – they claim 80 minutes, but 5 minutes of titles don’t get counted unless you pay for your movies by the foot, and I certainly don’t – is another one of those ‘car breaks down at night in Nowhereville, USA, expected/unexpected hilarity ensues‘ thrillers.

It was just all so very obvious. Everything is telegraphed from a mile away. “Oh, you mean the car broke down? At night in the dark? But that nice creepy man in the closed gas station said he’d fixed the engine, how could this be?”

And let me just add, he’s behind the door. Yes, the door, look behind it. No the door. The only door in the room, don’t you see how conveniently it’s opened against the wall there? He’s behind it! Yeah, the door! No, not the shower curtain, the door!! Look behind the doooooooooor!!! KILL THE PROTAGONIST NOW PLZ. THX.

Did I say was? Well, then the whole damn movie turns into a –

[fade to black and roll credits]

Dnevnoy dozor (2006) (aka Day watch)

I must admit that I hadn’t really planned on seeing this one, but it turns out that Russian vampire flicks have a sort of magnetic pull. I simply could not resist.

Even though it was at the Civic – which has the nastiest seating in the city (yes, it’s even worse than the seating in the Skycity Theatre). Speaking of the seating, I had fabulous luck considering I was a walk up – dead centre, 7 rows back. Just about perfect, all things considered. It didn’t hurt that the girl sitting next to me smelled fabulous, either.

Day watch is the second part of a trilogy – though I haven’t actually seen the first.

Now, one thing to point out, the imdb plot keywords are: Chalk / Shower Scene / Fight / Severed Foot / Falsely Accused. I hope this tells you something.

Which are strangely accurate. But there’s also more to it than you might think… You see, the shower scene isn’t just any old shower stall sexytime. No no, this is a steamy lesbian romp done in fine Russian style. Not only are they not really lesbian – one of the chicks involved is actually a man who has had his body switched, you see – but they find themselves magically transported from the bathroom to a spot beneath a secluded tropical waterfall. (I wish my bathroom did that.)

Oh, also the chalk is the chalk of fate.

This movie is… Let me get a run up at this…

AWESOME.

Not only do we get mongol hordes somersaulting out of… ravens… just in time to… be hacked apart. Or movie posters being used as teleporters, or even vampires (or something) flitting around as mosquitoes, but we also get a hot red Toyota being driven awesomely fast along the wall of a building, but we also get… Well, lots of fighting. And the aforementioned steamy showertime fun. And a fleet of big rusty yellow soviet era trucks fitted out with nitrous and the power to … well I don’t want to give out any spoilers here. But let’s just say that I didn’t quite expect the truck to do that. Too bad they didn’t put airbags in though, huh?

I’m not going to go into too much detail about the plot, it’s light versus dark, dark guy trying to frame light guy and start a war to end all wars, all muddled up with family drama and a fair bit of snow soccer. So let’s just skip all that and I’ll just say: this movie is weird, and fabulous, and messy, and full of surprisingly good CG.

Oh, and the best use of subtitles EVAR. (Watch it and you’ll understand. They do what they say. I think the last time I saw anything like this – though less so – was maybe in Smokin’ Aces?) Captioning folk will be sure to like it. (I know there are at least couple of you reading my stuff! Fess up!)

If you don’t mind reading your movies, go see it. If you do mind reading your movies you’re a complete tool and should go drown yourself now, you God damned cretin.

diePhone

Usually I hold something very precious to me in my hand, but I was out in public, so I couldn’t do that. Instead I played with Apple’s gadget du jour.

iPhone

It’s lovely, but nothing could live up to the iHype.

Pinching is cool – it’ll be interesting to see what else Apple steals off Jeff Han, he’s a genius, so I don’t blame them for doing it. I don’t know if you’ve been keeping up with his interface research, but it’s AWESOME. Like a HollywoodOS, only it actually works. (This is the same interface stuff Microsoft are using in their new Surface device.)

The screen is awesome, I watched some h.264 encoded YouTube videos on it and they were super crisp and clean.

Google maps is sweet – but Google Maps is sweet on all phones, it’s a great application.

Coverflow makes far more sense using a fingertip than a mouse. Bad news here though: Karl found a really stinky and obvious interface bug – if you touched an album cover “wrong” it skipped right through to the very end of the albums, which seems like maybe it could be a shortcut, but it didn’t make any sense when it did it, and it only did it in one direction. The interface is really simple, so it just shouldn’t do anything unexpected like this. (And there are so few applications on the device that their testing must have turned this glitch up, so I don’t know why they didn’t fix it.)

Anyway, it is a very pretty thing, but no matter how pretty a thing, it is still just a thing.

Helvetica (2007)

If you’re wondering how it’s possible to make an entire documentary about one typeface, you’ve obviously either never done any graphic design or typography, or you just haven’t noticed how incredibly pervasive Helvetica is. But you will after you watch this doco.

Featuring interviews with numerous design & typography luminaries, intermixed with street scenes from the US & Europe showing store fronts, billboards, buses & so forth, all covered with Helvetica.

It may have been overlong, or that may have just been another symptom of how AWFUL the seating is up at the Skycity Theatre. It’s completely unacceptably bad. They simply must do something about this before they continue to make such heavy use of that theatre (but you know they won’t, and they will).

Bonus festival points came in the form of doco director Gary Hustwit introing before the screening, and doing a Q&A afterwards.

I’m not a big DVD buyer, but it sounds like the DVD might have some cool extras (particular more complete recordings of some of the interviews, which were quite entertaining).

It’s very good, but could have done with a little more editing I think.

If you didn’t see it at the festival it’ll probably be available at Rialto later in the year – which has the added bonus of comfortable seating.