Category: Reviews

(This post contains *NO SPOILERS*.)

From J. J. Abrams the creator of Lost, comes this very sneaky-hush-hush movie – but what is it? Well, us normal folk aren’t really privvy to that information. Indeed, it seems that the name, Cloverfield, which has been used for all of the advance publicity is a ruse itself. The point appears to be that people should be surprised, they shouldn’t know what’s going on when they walk into the theatre. Hitchcock did the same thing, though to a lesser degree – when he asked people not to give away the any of the twists in Psycho to their friends. I’m completely down with this idea, I hate spoilers.

That moment, in a movie, when you realise that you’ve been had – I remember distinctly what it was like in Fightclub (astonishing), and that moment in 6th Sense, when the hairs on my neck literally stood on end. It is awesome, and it’s something you really can only get in a movie. I love it. So if some fucking twerp spoils that for anyone, he should be put in a sack and dropped in a lake.

I say ‘seems’, because they’ve flat out said that it isn’t the name of the movie, so it might be the name of the movie, but saying it isn’t makes people think more is going on that is. You know, like in Lost. You remember that show? You used to like it.

Of course, it might well be that just calling it Godzilla 2 – Godzilla’s Mum is ANNGGRRRYYY would give the game away. And indeed, it could possibly be a Gojira movie, as all indications point to it being a big-giant-monster-attacks-New York movie. What with the Statue of Liberties head smashing into the road (in the trailer) and all of the people running screaming for their lives. So instead it’ll be Lost – The Motion Picture.

It also appears to be shot entirely from the point of the view of a part-goers handycam, very Blair Witch. Which could be fine.

(And PS, and BTW, and NB: this means that any old bastard could potentially make this movie – if they were smart & had lots of friends. Just wanted to point that out, in light of my two thousand word rant from the other day.)

So, gimmicks. Yeah.

Of course, I don’t really know anything certain, as I’m writing this “review” before seeing the movie – I’m catching the premiere tonight at midnight. I’ll make another post with an actual write-up under the movie’s correct name tomorrow. If I live.

Am I looking forward to it? Yeah, I am. But I’m prepared to be disappointed, which in my experience tends to be the best way to walk into a theatre.

(So yeah, no links or additional information at this stage because I think the movie might be out in some territories right now, and I really don’t want to see any spoilers.)

The latest in the long line of Alien & Predator movies, but only the second with both (excluding the Alien skull in Predator 2), and it shouldn’t have been made. Not like this.

I reckon the directors of being at fault in this.  The actors seemed fine, there characters were just awful. I accuse the directors of incompetence, perhaps they were dropped off on set every morning in the shortbus. I don’t know.  But whatever it is that’s wrong with them, they shouldn’t be allowed to ruin any more movies.

There are no frights, not even one. There’s barely even a glimmer of a hint of any tension. They ruin any chance of that early in the movie, when things that might have a psychological effect if they were left offscreen are instead done in front of our eyes. So lame.

The main bad guy here is a Predalien, which isn’t nearly as bad as that fucking white hybrid monstrosity with the eyes that featured in Alien3, but is still … annoying.

You see, I really don’t think we don’t need this shit – the Aliens are scary monsters.

They’ve had gimmicks built in since the beginning, what with the telescoping inner jaw, acid blood, slobbering drool out of their crystal teeth, and no eyes set into their shiny black exoskeletons, they really don’t need any more. (I thought the Dogalien in Alien3 was also godawful stupid, so understand my perspective.)

It’s a damn shame, I think that one of the ideas in play here – that of a Predator ‘fixer’ come to Earth to clean up an accidental release of Aliens, by killing them all and hiding the bodies (well, dissolving), but first having to do detective work to track them all down, even including a Predator-style CSI scene – is actually a really cool one. This Predator is a dude. He uses a damn whip for fucks sake. I mean, come on. It was cool when Indiana Jones did it, and it’s even cooler when a 7-foot tall alien does it.

I guess maybe some of the characters don’t completely suck, but they all suck a bit, and most of them suck entirely. What’s the point of completely unsympathetic characters? That just guarantees – as if the poor filmmaking didn’t already – that any tense moments will slide aside as we instead see assholes get rent. (The limb from limb kind, not the ‘pay for temporary or semi-permanent accommodation’ sort.)

Oh, and the things they make the young girl do, all that stuff by the pool? That was simply exploitative. It was ridiculous. If you’re going to try to have a girl dress like that & act all hot in the ass, at least make her look over twenty, or it’s squicky. (IMDb doesn’t have a bio for her, so I don’t know what her age actually is. She looked too young.)

For a little while in the middle, it felt like maybe it was going to get over it’s suckiness and turn into something fun, but of course I was only deluding myself. (Like the directors.) The ending was just, really and truly, appalling.

Taken as a whole, AVPR is just not good.

By the way, that “in-joke” reference for all the fanboys? You know the one I’m talking about, that “oh wow that guy just called that woman Yutani, I bet no one else in the theatre even got that” moment. Everyone got it – it was as subtle as a shovel to the back of the head.

I want to see more Aliens vs Predator movies. Or more Alien movies. Or more Predator movies. These stories have a lot of potential, but this one?.. Well, maybe a good game will come of it.

Just… Just don’t even bother.

In the near future a researcher re-engineers the measles virus to kill cancer. In clinical trials it has a 100% success rate, cancer is now cured. Except then it all goes wrong, the virus mutates, kills 95% of the infected, turns 4% into photophobic zombies (basically a fast moving zombie with a vampirelike weakness to light), and a very very unlucky 1% are immune to the virus. Unfortunately (yes, it gets worse) the zombies kill and eat the immune, so by the time we get to the beginning of the movie virologist/soldier Lt. Col. Robert Neville (Will Smith) is the last man alive and things are grim.

He hasn’t spoken to anyone in about 3 years (seriously, everyone is dead) and is slowly going insane.

Now, I saw the trailer how long ago? A long time. I thought the movie looked kick-ass. Then I read a review (or maybe saw one in one of the many video podcasts I follow), and the bad news was that the movie sucked ass.

But here’s the thing, Will Smith is a talented actor, and this movie doesn’t suck ass, it kicks ass. From start to finish.

It probably helps to be a dog lover, as our man Robert’s only remaining connection to sanity is his dog Sam. I don’t want to go into this too much, but let’s just say that, he has a daily routine (a good thing, as he really is going insane), visiting the local DVD store, hunting deer on the streets of Manhattan, and working on a cure for the virus in his basement lab, all the while accompanied by his loving dog, and hiding from the (scary as shit) zombie-vampires.

You could perhaps level a criticism against the quality of the CG of the zombie things, but come on, it’s a movie, you know it’s a movie, and you know these things don’t really exist. (They’re probably about as good as Gollum, but moving faster.)

You should see this. You should really see this. And when you see it, you should do so on iMax – it’s an incredible transfer, super clean, just beautiful and immersive.

(Bonus: if do you check it out at iMax, you get the Dark Knight Prologue, which is completely O-some.)

Part of Quentin Tarantino’s heavily publicised recent movie experiment Grind House. Death Proof was intended to be played alongside Robert Rodriquez’s Planet Terror (2007), mimicking the movie-going experience of a bygone era: the double feature schlock exploitation flick b-movie. Fake movie trailers were also put together, to be played as part of the experience.

Of course, in New Zealand I don’t think it was ever played as intended – Death Proof was in theatres in November, but I don’t know if Planet Terror has played at all. Long story short, as far as I know, nobody bothered to see it and it had a very short, not particularly highly regarded run.

So of course I still haven’t watched it in its intended form as a back-to-back double feature extravaganza on the big screen, but I have now watched Death Proof on the marginally smaller screen.

And here’s the thing: I expected it to be really bad.

And for the first part (it’s broken up into two fairly natural halves) it was exactly as bad as I expected, but it really dropped it down a cog and gave it a handful as it moved into the second half (SPOILER) where the bad guy picks on the wrong car full of girls, and proceeds to get some serious comeuppance.

In fact, for about the entire last 5 minutes I was grinning with delight, and I’m talking about an actual grin here. On my face. Not a fake grin I lie about when I write about the experience later.

Oh, and I do feel the need to mention that a pretty large part (of the bad guys downfall, and in general as a role in the movie) is played by New Zealander actress/stuntwoman Zoe Bell, playing herself as a stuntwoman! Woooo!

The bad guy really fucked with the wrong chicks. Not only was one of them was dressed in a canary yellow cheerleader outfit the entire time, and never mind that two of the others were stuntwomen, but they were driving a car in Bruce Lee jump suit livery. How could he not have seen his demise coming from miles away?

Speaking of the Bruce Lee painted muscle car. I really, really want one. I might have to get a yellow car (perhaps not a muscle car though) of my own at some point purely so I can put big black racing stripes up the mother fucker’s spine. It needs to be done. (Right?)

The general experience is interesting, the colour has been graded in a particular way, and film imperfections added to make it seem like you’re watching a well used old print – along with jumpy editing, in what seems to be a pretty decent effort to reproduce the production standards of the 60s/70s movies that are being recreated. And of course it’s a Tarantino movie, so you know that it’s going to have great music.

It really exceeded my expectations – and I think this is partly because of how average the first story was, not in spite of it – so I reckon that if you have a chance, you should check it out.

I’ve been on a bit of a documentary kick lately, and let me just tell you, White Planet is fantastic.

A fairly conventional wildlife/nature doco, set in the Arctic, and looking reasonably briefly at a broad range of animals – bookended with Polar Bears.

Even if just for the hooded sealion, it was worth it. (Those dudes are fucking crazy.)

Even if just for the Baluga Whales, it was worth it. (Seriously, 2 hours of those awesome white dudes swimming around deep under the ice, upside down, whistling and giggling continously would kick ass.)

Even if just for the Arctic Wolf hunting lemming in the snow (it reminded me of George prancing and bouncing in the grass), it was worth it. (Though I’m glad they didn’t show the actual kill.)

Even if just for the massive narwhal party, it was worth it. (How no one got stabbed I just don’t know.)

Every part, from massive caribou migration to polar bears hunting, to crying furseal, this movie was great. Gorgeous.

And don’t miss the message. (We’re well past time to go post-industrial, don’t you think?)

Go and see it right now. The theatre (excellent in every respect, by the way) I saw it in down at Newmarket Rialto was nearly empty – which is a damn shame.

I guess it’s probably a bit tough to make a movie based on a game, there aren’t many people who will watch a movie/read a book a hundred times, but I’m sure there are a tonne of folk who have played each Hitman challenge at least a hundred times. So we know the story, we know how things should look, and we expect a lot of little references that ‘outsiders’ won’t notice. (As if Hitman is an underrground game?)

Anyway, it’s not saying much, believe me, to acknowledge that Hitman was better than I expected. Some scenes were, I will admit, friggin’ awesome.

For instance? Well, the love scene. I was thinking “what the fuck is this shit?” and then it was clear.

If you like bald men (and hey, you’re reading my site. So.) and action movies, then I reckon you’ll probably dig it. Knowing the games is not required. Not remotely. It will make no difference. (Though perhaps you’ll appreciate the W2000 a little more.)

I’m being ambiguous aren’t I? My bad, I guess it’s a fun, well made action movie, but it’s not the movie of the year.

The Devil Dare Me to (2007) + Eagle vs. Shark (2006) / 2.

But I’d say it was probably better than The Devil Dare Me to, but not as good as Eagle Vs. Shark.

Another one about a seemingly retarded kid who does stunts, who decides (for whatever reason) that he has to do a big giant jump. P.S. he talks a lot about his stuntman dad and talks a lot about how he died doing a stunt. All the while slowly winning over the hot girl who likes him for no apparent reason.

But the stunts are cool, and the production values are high, and there you go.

Bonus points for improbably long tumble down a mountain scene.

Extra special bonus points for extended use of a moped. (Yes, an actual moped, with actual pedals. Doing jumps.)

If you’re up for some completely retarded fun, you’d be hard pressed to find a more awkward exemplar.

Anthony Hopkins shoots his wife in the head when she cheats on him with a cop, then enjoys the process of defending himself against a slick young lawyer, perhaps a little too much.

This might be the best court room movie I’ve ever seen – if not, it’s got to be the best of the last 5 years. A big part of that was how warm the screen presence of Ryan Gosling, who plays the career ladder climbing lawyer on his last case before leaving the District Attorney’s office for a lucrative junior role in a private practice, was. And with his slick courtroom performance counterpointed so well by the seemingly bumbling killer.

I had a lot of trouble understanding the character’s motivations at various times – this is because they didn’t make sense, not because I was distracted by the memory of a fantastic dinner of sizzling hot Korean food. But if you can move past these problems, and the (I thought) incredibly obvious “twist” (no the first the one, the second one shouldn’t even be called that) I think you’ll find it’s a lot of fun to watch the trevails of these flawed characters.

I found the love interest (Rosamund Pike, as the law talking guy’s supervisor in the new firm) to be kind of creepy, she has weird eyes, almost dead looking. She’s still hot, but it’s off putting.

It’s fun to feel your opinion of the characters changing through the movie, for a long time I (and a large part of the audience, if the laughs were anything to go by) was really sympathetic towards the killer – it’s not nice to have your love fuck around behind your back – but at the very end, there is no sympathy, he’s turned into nothing but a cold hearted, darkly evil man.

If it’s still out (I viewed it a couple of weeks ago) you should go see it.

The thing about movies based on Stephen King stories is that they’re all over the place, one year we have The Green Mile, The Shining, or Shawshank Redemption, and another we have Maximum Overdrive or Sleepwalkers. So you just don’t know what you’re going to get, right?

Anyway, this one isn’t one of the stinkers.

It certainly helps that John Cusack takes the role, I really do like him. Which is a good thing, if you took 10 random seconds out of the movie, chances are better than even that every one of them would feature him, by himself, in a hotel room.

It’s all about the hotel room, you see. Indeed, the hotel room is the titular 1408 (1 + 4 + 0 + 8 = 13), also there’s no level 13 in the building – the elevator goes from 12 – 14, so this is, in fact, on the 13th floor.

John Cusack is Mike Enslin – and here’s a shock for you, the male lead in a Stephen King story, dun dun dunnnnn: is a writer. Mostly writing about haunted hotel rooms and so on, which finally leads him to the Dolphin Hotel in New York, where they really, really don’t want to let him take room 1408. (Usually, you see, the proprietor is gagggging to get him into one of their “haunted rooms”, so this is an unusual start.)

When he finally gets into the room, the Japanese girls sitting behind me in the theatre go into fucking overdrive. I don’t blame them. Shit got scary in no time flat.

Die in a fire you creepy goddamn alarm clock!

Anyway, I thought it was good and scary. It made my skin prick and my hair stand on end. (Shut-up)

If you want a good scare, I reckon you should take your favourite girl (or guy) to this movie, then you can snuggle up close when it gets too scary. It’ll be a good time. Promise.

P.S. You are here.

Viggo Mortensen putting in a pretty convincing performance as a Russian gangster in London.

Dude goes balls out, and I meant that entirely literally – if you’ve ever wanted to see Viggo’s skinny bare ass, or his dick & balls, this is the movie for you. (I hadn’t ever wanted to, but in context it wasn’t exploitative – it’s not a hot scene.)

I don’t know if I’ve ever seen a movie that was so graphically, realistically, disturbingly violent. Where other movies would cut away to a face shot, we instead see the bolt cutters grinding through flesh and bone, and cutting off fingers, or razor blades being forcefully sawed back and forth, cutting through a throat.

Punches are not pulled.

Even if it isn’t all good, it’s still an exceptional piece of film making.

Actors wanting to learn how to project a palpable air of menacing power, violence held in check but ready to go at a moments notice, without screaming and shouting and putting on scowling and gravelly voices, would do well to pay close attention to Mortensen’s work in this role.

There was at least one scene which seemed to have the entire theatre (which was full of Russians, for obvious reason) shocked to the point of holding our collective breaths. Followed by a long release, with the odd nervous laugh from various around the room. Truly intense.

It’s quite something, if you have a strong stomach, you should see it.