I think I may have killified George. With love.

Righto. If you want more evidence of my silliness, I felt a bit cold tonight, so I fired up the heater, as you do. It got nice and warm. So warm that I soon removed my jacket. A little while later off came my shoes. Then George collapsed into a happy canine coma. Finally my laptop started beeping that it was overheating. Then I… turned the heater down.

If you want to know who is causing Auckland’s near-future power problems, you need look no further than me.

Oh cool, George is able to open his eyes again. Don’t worry Georgie, I won’t withdraw your feeding tube.

Scammer ‘Hygienist’.

One of my favourite things is when someone doesn’t try to rip me off. So today I got to have one of my least favourite experiences, when I visited the ‘Dental Hygienist’.

Remember when I said this?

To celebrate I bought 4 bottles of merlot, and booked myself in for a horrible ripoff of a tooth polishing session with the "hygienist."
— June 2, 2005

Turns out I’m clairvoyant.

Cleaning of the old teeth is something that dentists used to be capable of, but when they flicked the job off to a considerably less skilled labourer, dentists didn’t drop their prices, did they? And it’s not like the less skilled hygienist is cheap, today I paid $135 for a single hour.

Now, if she’d actually done the job as I expected I would have sucked it up and said "look at how shiny my lovely teeth are," but she didn’t.

And it went wrong right from the beginning – well, that’s not true, the receptionist ([name removed]) is a lovely professional and charming young woman, and she was great – so maybe it’s more accurate to say it went wrong from right when I sat down in the hygienists chair.

She introduced herself, of course ("Hi, I’m Name Removed ,") in the rough English of what sounded like an Eastern European, but her name card looks more like, maybe Spanish or Portuguese or something like that… Then proceeded to tell me that the X-Rays I’d just had done a couple of days before indicated that I’d have to have at least two visits with her… "Hold on," I said, "I haven’t had an X-Ray taken in over 6 years."

"Oh, fuck," she seemed to think, "I’ve been caught out in my most popular lie, trying to scam more money out of this sucker." She then says "Ahh, 6 years, then it’ll be even worse, won’t it? So we should book another appointment now."

"Don’t you think it’d be a good idea for you to look in my mouth before we book any more time?" I asked, a hint of incredulity creeping into my voice. "Oh, you want to do it that way around? Ok," she finally agrees.

Anyway, we get down to business, if you know what I mean, she gives me a super nasty mouthwash, if you know what I mean, she clips on a bib, if you know what I mean, lowers the chair into an almost upside down position, if you know what I mean, then proceeds to scrape the plaque off my healthy and strong, if perhaps a little unclean, teeth.

I feel like something a bit funny is going on, when she stops at the middle of my jaw, then goes back and does the same teeth she’s just done. Then she gets out the instrument of satan himself, the super high-speed water pick-cum-grinding head… Again, she only does half my jaw, and then goes back to do bits she’s already ripped the hell out of already. Then she does some of my top teeth, then she goes back down the bottom and does teeth she’s already done again.

Then she decides it’s time to take a break, and thatI can relax my jaw… I clamber up out of my still upside down chair and spit a mouth full of nasty bloody spit in the bowl, then relax again and watch what she’s doing.

I’ve been known to waste time at a computer, if you know what I mean, so I can recognise it when I see it. The aimless scrolling up and down of text fields. The incredibly slow typing. She takes fully 5 minutes (there was a clock on the wall, which had robotic arms that reached down and tore twenties out of my lovely Italian made leather wallet, then set them alight and used them to light expensive Cuban torpedos, which it then failed to enjoy, just letting them burn down to pathetic, smelly little stubs.) to type out, 1 fingered – and I noticed she’d taken off her gloves for this, and was pleased that she took the ‘hygiene’ part of her title seriously – a single fucking line of a text.

She was done with that, and pulled some new gloves from a sterile packet, now this is an important point, these are lovely new sterile gloves she’s just put on, so now she pushes the light out of the way, crouches down low on the ground and removes what looks like a pressure bottle full of… drainings… From the bottom of what I guess might have been the suction machine. She takes it and pours it out in the sink, then screws the now empty pressure bottle back into the bottom of the machine… Now, without missing a beat, she grabs her instruments and proceeds to fondle around inside me lovely soft lips. ("Holy fucking bacteria," I thought, "now this is definitely going on my website, what the fuck is this woman doing?")

There are just 20 minutes left in our appointment, and I’m now feeling detached and helpless, aware that she’s been wasting time going over the same teeth over and over again. She do some scraping or whatevering on the top, then go back to do a tooth that was already (painfully) done.

This proceeded for another 20 minutes, then she gave me a brochure "Taking care of your teeth" or whatever the fuck, I saw a great big Oral B logo on the cover, opened it up, and there you go – turns out that to take care of your teeth, you’d better buy an Oral B, I put it back down on her bench and walked out to the reception, where the receptionist was once again lovely and helpful, I considered making a fuss, but instead told her that I was really disappointed, and that I’d only make the (now mandatory, as she made bloody sure she only did half my fucking mouth) second appointment if it was with a different "hygienist."

So, 6 years ago I had a good cleaning, both sides of my top and bottom jaws, and a good old polish, and it cost about $60 (as far as I recall.) this time, I’ve paid over twice that much already for LESS THAN HALF THE FUCKING SERVICE.

I’m not going to name my dental practice or the hygienist at this stage, as I’m going to send them an email and give them a chance to make right, if they don’t do that, I’ll tell you exactly who to avoid.

If I have to pay what I’m now expecting – $270 for a tooth cleaning – I’m going to go completely fucking moonbat ballistic.

And no, I didn’t want to post this, I was planning to sing Pizza Hut’s praises — they’ve done something super cool. You’ll see.

Instant Justice.

One of my favourite things is when someone tries to attack, rob or generally agress on someone else, but instead of that, they get their ass handed to them. This is perfect, instant karma. Here’s a wonderful example from today’s New Zealand Herald:

A man who tried to rob the Mercury Bay Foodmarket in Whitianga armed with a knife last night was disarmed and knocked unconscious by the store’s occupants.

Police said the man entered the store about 8.30pm and demanded money but was overpowered.

He suffered a head injury and was taken to Thames Hospital by ambulance.

Late last night he was helping the police with their inquiries.

That’s right, he went in with a knife – and came out with a head injury. I especially love the dry line about ‘helping police with their inquiries.’

It’s crap movie time!

What I did in my long weekend, by Morgan, age 8’ish.

I watched movies!

Including the surprisingly underrated Elektra. This sequel to the frankly terrible Daredevil manges to avoid any of the unbelievably bad wooden fight scenes, indeed, I was delighted to learn (thanks IMDb) that there was a Ben Affleck as Daredevil cameo filmed, which was subsequently cut. Basically, it seems that most of what Ben Affleck touches turns to excrement.

Anyway, it might not be that Elektra is so great, it certainly isn’t, it’s just that it’s so much better than Daredevil. But that’s not saying much, is it?

How do people get to make fight movies without being able to film convincing fight scenes? What was that bullshit on the seesaws in Daredevil? Did anyone think that looked cool? Who thought it would be a good idea to let Ben Affleck try to kick? He’s completely rubbish.

Oh, and Hollywood, please move past wirework, it’s not meant to make you say "wow, they’re so obviously using wires" it’s meant to make you think "what an awesome jump up that wall" or "w00t! no shadow kick!"

Alternatively, Hollywood, watch Ong-Bak, see those moves? Awesome, eh? Remember when you used to use stuntment to do that sort of thing? Why did you stop?

I still don’t really like Jennifer Garner, maybe if she had more range in her facial expressions, but I do like Goran Visnjic.

The other sequel I caught over the long weekend was "xXx 2 : I will fuck you in the eyes!"

This one uses Ice Cube in the title role instead of Vin Diesel — oh, speaking of our Vin, have you seen the video clips of him, aged about 14, teaching break dancing moves? This leg up, this leg over, move your hands, this leg up, this leg over… Funny.

Anyway, I guess it’s better than I expected, again this isn’t saying much, and I don’t know if it quite makes the grade set by the first one "xXx : TOO EXTREME FOR YOU!!!11!one!"

It’s got fantastic gadgets in a bad way. Really tiny pieces of movie bullshit. Ninjas with lights on their heads, and magical disks that dig holes a hundred feet through the earth in a second. Oh, and bling blinged cars by the dozen. Does anyone think ‘harlequin’ painted cars don’t look utterly fucking stupid? Flying disks the size of your palm with retina scanners? Stop it. You don’t need to do that. Use the CG for something cool, for bullies sake! Some of the Ice Cube fight scenes were pretty cool, man that guy has a scowl and a half. He’s pretty believable as a brawler. Not so believable as a guy driving a car up the tracks at 180mph chasing a bullet train, but never mind.

Too much bling bling, not enough shooting guys in the face after kicking their knees backwards.

Please, Ice Cube, kick their knees backwards, if you won’t do it for me, do it for the children!

Stargate Atlantis Geekathon.

I had a bit of a Stargate jones, so I decided to have a bit of a binge and got Season 1 of Stargate Atlantis, I’d heard really good things about it, but of course it hasn’t been on TV here yet.

I might have accidentally watched it all through Sunday night & Monday. Yeah, all 20 hour-long episodes, from start to finish. Oops.

It’s really good, I don’t know if you have to like Stargate already, but I’m sure it helps a lot.

Of course there are problems with it (I’m not a fatuous fanboy, I swear.)

The Wraith could use better makeup, to start with. And it’d probably be good if Sheppard wasn’t such a carbon copy of O’neil, but jeeze he’s good at it.

Oh, but the Czech science guy Dr. Zalenka, he rawks. I like the way he & Dr. McKay (who is also completely awesome) rub up against each other.

Ahh, and Ford, not only is he hot enough to turn me, but listen to his awesome voice, if you close your eyes you can almost imagine that it’s Jason Mewes — Jay the only cool character from "Jay & Silent Bob : Kevin Smith is Really Really Over-Rated part 4 (now with more cock-sucking-jokes and Star Wars references, and my big-eared skinny wife in tight-tight-tight pants. By the way I like to stroke my cock, read all about it on my blog, which my publicisit told me was a good idea to get more suckers to watch my shitty movies.)," which is a really long, but surprisingly honest movie name — and that’s cool, thinking about Jay sneaking off to the Jumper hangar, smoking weed, smoking weed, and drinking beers beers beers.

I think the whiny nerd looking science guy (I don’t remember his name, the one with the pony-tail) is also real cool, in his own horrible way, especially with the way he keeps popping up to whine. That’s so realistic. Every office over a certain size gets at least one really whiny bitch. If only they had an airlock they could stuff him in. "Put this in your Geneva Convention report, biatch." *pssssshhhhhht*

Least fav character? At the moment Probably Weir the administrator/governor. But only because of their repeatedly use of her as the guy that always has to think very carefully about Sheppard/McKay’s latest plan before saying "Ok, go," every… single… time.

But what would I be like if I was 350,000,000 light years from home, and the coffee just ran out? And all the hot chicks seem to be dying of ancient (as opposed to Ancient) nano-viruses? I don’t know. But I’d definitely want one of the security guys to teach me how to shoot aliens in the face.

So much sploding and shootifying!
So much CG!
Such an annoying cliffhanger!

Clarification.

When I said terribly disappointing evening out, I actually meant lovely evening out with my beautiful girl, just the food was terribly disappointing. We had lovely conversation and stuff… Just… You know, the food, man, the food.

Disappointment Plus.

Terribly disappointing evening out, we went to my favourite old restaurant, Simla Indian, in Mt Eden village… It was, at one point, say around 1999, the head-and-shoulders clear best Indian restaurant in Auckland, now that title is well and truly up for grabs.

They changed owners a few years back, and had a crappy chef, then they got a good chef and restored some of their previous quality, but now they’ve dropped to a new low. It isn’t bad enough that their curries are runny, and where they should taste rich and creamy they taste smokey and weak, but they also have managed to sink to the levels of the bottom 20% of Auckland restaurants in the hygiene rankings. That’s right, they have a B. I won’t be trying them again unless or until they get, and keep, an A rating.

On the other hand, the other day we went out with some friends to Tanuki on Queen St, it’s absolutely wonderful in exactly the way that Dahn wasn’t. The food is fresh, delicious, tender, juicy, and flavoursome, in all the right ways and places. I tried one of their weird cocktails (grape,) and it was great. Grapey in the same wonderful way that a shaved ice champagne grape drink is at pearl milk tea places.

How about you, been to anywhere great lately? Or terrible? Use my beautiful restaurant review system to everyone know.

Toofypegs.

Today I went to the dentist, this is a common occurence for most people, and it used to be for me as well, but for whatever reason, I hadn’t been since 1999. That’s right, 6 years. And when I recently noticed a rough patch on my lower right molar with my tongue, I thought "holy fuck, if it’s big enough to feel, it’s probaby big enough to drill a hole right through my wallet." I sucked up all my courage through a straw — mixed with Schweppes Dry Ginger Ale — and made a booking.

Anyway, it turns out that after 6 years of brushing once a day… I have no cavities, and nothing of concern whatsoever, and that huge rust bubble feeling hole I thought I had discovered is actually about .2mm of enamel I’ve managed to grind off through subconcious stress related posturing – it’s absolutely nothing either.

So, I win. $45 for 6 years of dental care is wayyyy ahead of the curve, don’t you think?

To celebrate I bought 4 bottles of merlot, and booked myself in for a horrible ripoff of a tooth polishing session with the "hygienist."

Making Ong-bak Readable.

You’ve heard of Ong-bak, right? It’s the cool martial arts movie from a year or two ago which featured… No wire work… No CG… And the main guy doing all his stunts, on screen, and with slow motion shots from multiple angles to prove that this dude just did actually run along, run up a guys chest, then stomp on his shoulder and the shoulders and heads of all his fellow baddies, running over this crowd of guys, then jumping over cars, flipping off this and that, and generally being utterly hard core and awesome.

Anyway, the thing is, it’s all in Thai, and the subtitles I’ve seen weren’t all that hot, full of that characteristically bad English you expect from subtitles, so I did what everyone who should be working on paying projects did and rewrote them. So, I present to you a nice set of subs, I’m sure they aren’t perfect (I left some of the cheesy dialog in there, just because, indeed I didn’t make any changes in the first 5 odd minutes), but they are now way more readable, and don’t distract from the actual story.

Ong-bak (2003) English subtitles.

You’re free to download and use these subtitles as you wish. Just unzip the .SRT file into the folder with the video file before starting your player. In VLC go to the Video menu, then hit Subtitle Track, then choose it from the list (probably Track 1). I’m sure they work with other video players, but I only really use VLC, so you might need to read the help files if it doesn’t work like this in your player.

Let me know if you use them and like them, or don’t like them, or don’t understand what I’m talking about.

Torrent of unconciousness.

[Please forgive my stuffed sinuses induced stream of conciousness rambling, but you know, there’s so much to say.]

You know how a lot of people are whiny cry babies and every little cough or cold is ‘the flu’ and stuff? Well, I have a cold. It’s annoying, I have a runny nose. But I’m not being a sook about it.

However, I went to the market to get sick guy supplies, hoping for a nice big bottle of Lucozade, and what do you think I found? Well, you already know this, and so did I, but let’s pretend it’s new news that Lucozade decided to jump on the energy drink bandwagon, so I decided to jump off the Lucozade bandwagon, and instead got a couple of tubes of Lift+. This is some good sick guy shit. It has a medicinal taste, including slightly nasty aftertaste, so it’s perfect.

Maybe the aftertaste thing is just due to having given up softdrinks (yes, again). It’s about 3 or 4 weeks now. It’s great at McDonald’s, as I can swap the softdrink in any combo for a tiny little bottle of milk. w00t.

Anyway, about the whole "not updating for over a month" thing, I know, I know, I’m real sorry. I do have an excuse, but it’s a lame one, I was planning on updating loads of photos, and then the camera died, so it’s off being looked at so the distributor bastards can decide if they can easily screw us over and get around the consumer gurantees act, and while they do that I guess I just stalled on the photos thing. Now this is a super lame excuse as all the photos ever taken on the camera are actually on my hard drive already, so… Hmmm.

Oh, we finally got rid of one of our scooters, the delightfully fast & reliable Bajaj Chetak, it was a cool bike that one, but not very useful for taking George to the park, or kicking it over to the shore to visit the extended family, so away it went. Now, I don’t know if we’ll keep the other one, we had, at one point, 2 scooters & two cars, and only 2 people, so, way more vehicles than we reasonably needed, and now that we’ve almost completely given up on the central city as a wasteland of horrible ghetto housing and (more importantly) no parking, and instead go to fun places like west coast beaches, and, err, St Lukes (for movies, you know it has the best cinemas in Auckland, you still didn’t know that?).

Anyway, long story cut down to only medium length, I’m the only one that uses the other scoot, which we originally got for Claire (she had one when they first came out, and completely loved it, until someone else loved it enough to chuck it in the back of their truck and steal it, hooray for insurance though), and I only used it for going to the post office to send out invoices and pick up cheques.

Speaking of which, I’ve decided that I’m either going to add another business to my quiver, or get a job with actual people for a while, it’s pretty lonely working from home sometimes, with only my little four-legged friends to keep me company, they’re not much on the conversation — especially little Miss Edward Truffles, she’s thick! Oh, she’s also no longer looking like a weird sphere covered with fun fur, she now looks just like a real cat, only about half size.

The business I’m thinking of starting (in addition to the current one, as opposed to instead of, the current one is a good money spinner, but not every month) will probably be network troubleshooting and maintenance, ideally installing wireless setups, or something like that. But we’ll see. Claire has suggested another business as well, reselling various cool shiny things. The banks are a big problem with that, there really are no decent NZ creditcard payment systems – they’re all stupidly overpriced and complex. So we’ll probably go with Paypal or something lame and overseas, but they have drawbacks of their own.

Anyway, I usually make it a habit to not talk business here (and I’m definitely not going to mention my really cool new client, finally one which you’d recognise the name of). This is for tomfoolery and beer. Not that there’s been much beer lately. We’ve been drinking mostly merlot & shiraz lately, and of course the trendy (is it passe yet?) pinot gris. We got some stupidly oversized glasses, they rock. (540ml bulb!).

Oh, movies, it’s been a bad year for movies, for the most part. Or so I’m prepared to claim, and what with Village finally reaching the previously undefined tipping point of $15 per ticket, we stopped going to crap movies, so where Village were previously getting a visit from us every single week, they’re now getting us infrequently at best, indeed, I’m a Douglas Adams fan from way back, and even there I waited until a $4.25 night to go and see HHGTTG. I didn’t wait for Star Wars, of course, I booked my tickets a couple of weeks in advance for first day showings, and got super awesome seats in a super awesome cinema. Coincidentally I’d been pretty much immersed in Star Wars for a good month beforehand, what with Knights of the Old Republic 2, and the New Jedi Order books I’ve been chewing through (at a rate of maybe 2 a week). I’m not a dork though, I promise. I just need to read to get to sleep. And there are stacks of Star Wars books available. Some of the people that somehow fluke into being published are really lame, with a serious fanfic feel, but most of them are actually quite fun.

Now, the movie, though… It was ok. I was amazed at how much more violent it was, that whole ‘body and face on fire’ thing was pretty extreme, didn’t you think?

I still maintain that they fucked up Anakin from start to finish though, his motivation for going gradually dark was supposed to be about winning all the time, and being the best… That was why he raced, after all, his unceasing desire to win all the time. So that petulent child bullshit… It was just so wide of the mark. I understand that it wasn’t actually young Hayden Christiansen’s fault though, and he was under strict direction to not play it the way he wanted to. A tragedy, in my humble opinion.

Who’s up for a monster Star Wars marathon once all the DVDs are out though? I think it’s be great fun, especially if we can play some sort of bourbon drinking game at the same time, those very few of you that experienced the wonders of a bourbon improved Hard Target will know that it will probably make even Jar Jar Binks bearable.

Oh, anyone else have exciting fanboy moments when people were itroduced as, like, Captain Antilles (though not enough of a fanboy to know where he is Wedge’s father, uncle, or older brother), or when they were on Bail Organa’s ship and there was a sudden moment of recognition and a "Hey! That’s the corridor! WOOHOO!" (all on the inside, of course.)

The other movie, Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, well, I’m and old old fan, I remember watching and loving the TV show way back in the 80s, I have all the books. I even got the Illustrated one a few years ago, maybe a 1997 anniversary thing? I played the game, and never won, but you know. I’ve listened to the radio show. I was a bit sad when Adams went and managed to get himself living impaired, and I’ve wanted a guide of my own for the longest time, I don’t know if this is why I purchased my now long mothballed Apple Newton MessagePad. But the movie, it was just… Well, it was really well made, and some of the changes were for the better, but it just ended up missing the mark. The vogons RAWKED, and it was great to see Trillian being the uber smart hot girl she’s *meant* to be (as opposed to the bubbleheaded space bimbo she was in the TV series). Oh, it was an opportunity for another fanboy moment, when they were in the vogon ‘whatever’ office, trying to sort out the forums for Tricia’s release, there was the original chunky Marvin robot, waiting in the line they pushed through. Nice.

I think I’m about the run out of steam on this post. I expect you’re thinking "if only you done that about 10 paragraphs earlier," but hey, you’re the sucker that’s reading this stuff. Which is worse, the sucker that makes suckers, or the suckers that suck suckers?

Well, suck my suckers gentlemen, and good day to you.