It’s crap movie time!

General, Movies, Reckons

What I did in my long weekend, by Morgan, age 8’ish.

I watched movies!

Including the surprisingly underrated Elektra. This sequel to the frankly terrible Daredevil manges to avoid any of the unbelievably bad wooden fight scenes, indeed, I was delighted to learn (thanks IMDb) that there was a Ben Affleck as Daredevil cameo filmed, which was subsequently cut. Basically, it seems that most of what Ben Affleck touches turns to excrement.

Anyway, it might not be that Elektra is so great, it certainly isn’t, it’s just that it’s so much better than Daredevil. But that’s not saying much, is it?

How do people get to make fight movies without being able to film convincing fight scenes? What was that bullshit on the seesaws in Daredevil? Did anyone think that looked cool? Who thought it would be a good idea to let Ben Affleck try to kick? He’s completely rubbish.

Oh, and Hollywood, please move past wirework, it’s not meant to make you say "wow, they’re so obviously using wires" it’s meant to make you think "what an awesome jump up that wall" or "w00t! no shadow kick!"

Alternatively, Hollywood, watch Ong-Bak, see those moves? Awesome, eh? Remember when you used to use stuntment to do that sort of thing? Why did you stop?

I still don’t really like Jennifer Garner, maybe if she had more range in her facial expressions, but I do like Goran Visnjic.

The other sequel I caught over the long weekend was "xXx 2 : I will fuck you in the eyes!"

This one uses Ice Cube in the title role instead of Vin Diesel — oh, speaking of our Vin, have you seen the video clips of him, aged about 14, teaching break dancing moves? This leg up, this leg over, move your hands, this leg up, this leg over… Funny.

Anyway, I guess it’s better than I expected, again this isn’t saying much, and I don’t know if it quite makes the grade set by the first one "xXx : TOO EXTREME FOR YOU!!!11!one!"

It’s got fantastic gadgets in a bad way. Really tiny pieces of movie bullshit. Ninjas with lights on their heads, and magical disks that dig holes a hundred feet through the earth in a second. Oh, and bling blinged cars by the dozen. Does anyone think ‘harlequin’ painted cars don’t look utterly fucking stupid? Flying disks the size of your palm with retina scanners? Stop it. You don’t need to do that. Use the CG for something cool, for bullies sake! Some of the Ice Cube fight scenes were pretty cool, man that guy has a scowl and a half. He’s pretty believable as a brawler. Not so believable as a guy driving a car up the tracks at 180mph chasing a bullet train, but never mind.

Too much bling bling, not enough shooting guys in the face after kicking their knees backwards.

Please, Ice Cube, kick their knees backwards, if you won’t do it for me, do it for the children!