Author: Morgan Avery

Lost Season 1 Finale, now with 100% more spoilers.

Morgan Avery

We watched the last couple of hours of Lost a week or so ago… Finally worn down by Claire – we’ve had all the episodes for (seems like) months, but I wouldn’t let her watch them, something about good things and those who wait, and instant gratification being for children, or something lame and self-righteous.

I’m serious, if you haven’t seen the final episode(s) already, don’t read this. If you have you probably shouldn’t bother, just kick it down towards the end, I’m guessing my own conclusions in the last few paragraphs, the rest of this entry is pretty much just a blow-by-blow of what happens through the last couple of hours.

*** THERE ARE BIG SPOILERS HERE. ***

I think the last thing we saw at the end of the previously aired episode was the discovery the Black Rock, yes?

Well, the explosives hidden in the hold of the Black Rock are some seriously sweaty and dangerous old sticks of dynamite, coated with gelignite, and just waiting for a shaft of sunlight, or a slight bump to set them off, and they were really playing up to this one — anyone else expecting one of the things to go off? Well, I’m sure we all were, but right then?.. *boomf* Poor old Hurley, now he has pieces of Arzt is all over him.

Speaking of Hurley, it was interesting for them to expose a new Flashback fact – he doesn‘t actually have bad luck, the numbers — or whatever — were doing everything they could to keep him from making the plane, and safely away from the island. He was just being too tenacious to be put off. So perhaps he isn’t the jinx he thinks? He’s is a hundred & sixty times millionaire, after all. So maybe the numbers were just upset that he was driving such a stupid big car?

So while Kate, Jack (who still has some Arzt on him, r d r r) & Locke are carrying a couple of bags with carefully wrapped sticks of dynamite to the hatch…

We’re back on the beach, where Danielle the Minbari is stealing Claire’s baby and bolting… Thank the bully that huge hero Charlie is around to save the day, oh, excuse, I was living in an alternate reality for a second – Charlie is still just a gigantic fucking moron. When is he going to stop acting like a child? So he goes berko and with — everyone’s favourite British-Indian-fake-Iraqi, — the hot and capable Sayid they go on a mad cross-island psycho-Croatian-fake-French-bitch-hunt.

Oh, oh, but we’ve got imperilled castaways elsewhere — the nutsos on the boat are really cruising off at a fair clip…

By the way, I’ve got to tell you, there’s no fucking way I’d have headed off on the boat, if they make it you’ll get rescued too, if they die you’re still "safe" on the island. Sure, I’d be happy to help build the boat, but… I’ll see you when you send help dudes, have fun with your rotten old fruit, salt-water and scorching sun. I’ll stay here on the beach eating fruit, pork & fish, and drinking cool fresh mountain water.

… Anyway, so they’re cruising off, Sayid set them up with a radar (which, BTW, wouldn’t work, it’s tied to the mast, so while the display clearly requires it to be rotating around, as you’d expect, it’s actually just pointing in whatever direction the boat is pointing, so they’d be able to see one point directly in front of them, I mean, if there was something to see). So there’s some drama with the keel falling off and Michael (aka: Mr. I’m a bad father with anger issues!) discovering that Sawyer is packing heat — and I’m not talking about his good looks — when he swims off and hauls back the keel.

Sayid & Charlie are still running through the jungle, Charlie is an unfit has-been rockstar junkie, so he falls behind a bit, but their path takes them past the fallen Beechcraft, and during a quick breather Sayid lets slip about all the – dun dun duhhhhh – heroin… Then they’re off again, and now our mate Charlie has a lovely new Virgin Mary statuette in his satchel, yay, Charlie, you’re not a pathetic weak-minded little criminal loser or anything, you’re a big hero! Good for you!

Our friends with the explosive backpacks are still trudging through the jungle, when something weird zoooots by and catches their eye… And it reall is a weird thing, we backed up the DVD to have another look… It’s like a crappy dart shape made of black smoke or shadows. I guess, if they try to explain it it’ll turn out to be exhaust smoke or something, but there’s just no way that’s possible if you look at it.

Shortly after that the ‘big monster’ comes back and starts smashing up trees, it looked to me like they were blowing upwards from underneath, so I’m continuing with my guess that it’s something underground, some crazy mining equipment or something stupid like that… Anyway, Locke gets grabbed and starts being dragged along the floor of the jungle towards a hole, with a sound exactly like a big ratchet pulling a huge clanking chain, I don’t know how anyone can possibly still think it’s a monster rather than people operating machinery.

Jack catches up and grabs Locke before he can be pulled down the hole, that crazy cripple asks tells him to let him go… He’s got almost a serene smile on his face, he says he knows the island won’t hurt him, it has other plans… Anyway, Jack ain’t havin’ none of that, so he gets Kate to chuck one of the greasy old sticks of dynamite down the hole, and they manage to get Locke free after theat slodes and they haul ass off to the hatch (very single minded, mmm?).

Chuckles Charlie & fake-British-Indian-Iraqi Sayid are approaching the pillar of smoke on the far side of the island from their ‘base’, and discover it’s nothing but a drum of (I guess) petrol or diesel or something burning away… There’s no one there. Then poor old fake-French Danielle appears with the baby, which is safe and well, and Charlie goes off at her, he really is a shit. The poor lady, in her stolen-child-fueled-grief had hoped to swap Aaron for her own son.

It’s night time on the boat and low and behold, but the radar has picked something up, but, oh no, it’s going away again, hey, how about we fire our only flare? Ok, let’s do it.

Locke & Jack wire the remaining dynamite to the hinges of the hatch and run a pretty long fuse off into the jungle… As soon as they light it Hurley spots his numbers engraved on the side of the exterior of the shaft and freaks out, starts shouting about the numbers and trying to kick the fuse to death, I was kind of expecting him to go the way of Arzt, but he gets tackled to the ground in time for the splosion…

Long story short, the ‘contact’ comes back and turns out to be a crappy little boat (definitely not of ocean going size) crawling with dirty men… And they abduct Walt, shoot Sawyer, and blow up the boat, leaving Jin & Michael in the water, and Sawyer somewhere under the water. Uh-oh.

… The hatch has been blown open, so our pals walk over and have a look down into the shaft, it’s long, and most of the rungs of a built in ladder have fallen off… So with them standing around the hatch staring down the shaft, we fade to black.

And that’s it, the end. Yay, thanks for tying up all those loose ends, you cock-arsed bastards.

Now, I think the guys on the boats are the decendents of the pirates — I think of them as pirates, even though I guess they were actually slavers? — anyway, they’re the sons of the slaver crew, and they have to keep abducting kids to keep their little population up. Hence Danielle’s baby and their attempt to get Claire’s baby Aaron as well.

I expect all the guys on the boat are going to be okay, the boat is fucked but it still floats, Sawyer was only shot through the shoulder and Jin will probably save his ass and pull him onto the boat while Michael is going nuts worrying about his newly stolen son.

I guess as soon as the new season starts in the states I’m going to have to start downloading it, as I now really want to know what the hell is going on — and how they’ll be able to rationally tie everything together.

Number one lesson learned: Next time I’m not pissing around, I’m just gonna watch the DVDs, it’s so much more enjoyable without all the fucking adverts.

In Which I Eat Skin.

Morgan Avery

Today — following yesterday’s adventures with pork — I decided to try and find some other wonderful form to enjoy, and I found it.

Have you ever wanted to have hot crispy microwaveable puffed up animal skin as a snack? Well, sweet! Me too!

Get thee to your supermarket, go to the microwave popcorn section and think positive thoughts, if you’re lucky they’ll also have boxes of microwave pork rinds!!!

Can you imagine a more Homer Simpson’ish snack to enjoy while watching TV? (Well, yes, they’re actually relatively low fat… You know, if what you’re comparing them to is pork cooked in a deep fryer.)

There’s actually surprisingly little in each bag, so it’s not like you’re gorging yourself, just try to forget that you’re eating skin. As a snack. Skin. From an animal. You know, skin, that stuff you have all over your body? This is the same thing.

Here is a photo of Eddie to take your mind off things, a few weeks ago she decided to take up Catarate in order to learn how to kick George’s ass… I caught a snap of her practicing her forms in the back yard, she’s pretty good for a beginner.

I hope nobody tells her I’ve been training George in Kung Pow for the last 3 years, she’s gonna get a big surprise when he uses his Invincible Fist Style. It’s going to be awesome!

Diagnosis : Chronic Heart Disease

Morgan Avery

Today I made a "Diagnosis: Chronic Heart Disease," it was delicious, you see a "Diagnosis: Chronic Heart Disease," is a new kind of sandwich I’ve invented, I call it that to plainly illustrate how very healthy it is.

I’m pretty sure it’s safe for vegans and Jews (I’m pretty sure the three different kinds of pork cancel each other out, right?). But I’m not sure about Muslims – I think Allah dictates that all sandwiches should have an olive stuch to the top with a toothpick. I guess that’d be called a "Diagnosis: Chronic Heart Disease (with bonus Halal olive)."

They say a picture is worth a thousand calories, I reckon this one must be worth 5 times that much.

They were awesome. I couldn’t even eat my dinner tonight. I was that full, just all day. I’m still full now. Oh my Bully!

Oh, if you want to make your own "Diagnosis: Chronic Heart Disease," here are the ingredients:

  1. Awesome delicious grainy bread.
  2. Spread of your choice (I used canola).
  3. American style mayonaise.
  4. Half a sausage (cut once length-wise)
  5. 2 slices of spicey salami.
  6. 1 & a half crispy rashers of bacon
  7. Fried egg.
  8. Aged cheddar
  9. Thick & Rich Watties Tomato Sauce.
  10. Optional: olive on a toothpick.

George could see I was distressed and decided I needed comforting. He’s such a sweet, handsome, love.

War of the Worlds.

Morgan Avery

Went and saw War of the Worlds on the megascreen last night, and let me tell you…

While this is an old (old!) story, which many people probably already know the outline of, I don’t want to spoil anything for the most super ignorant out there, selecting the blank bits below should reveal what I consider most likely to be spoilers.

*** There are spoilers here, if you don’t want to know what happens, you’ll get a face full of ruination! ***

I haven’t watched the old old movie for a long time, so while I of course remember the surprise twist at the end, I don’t remember much of the rest of the story, so I don’t know how much this diverges from the original… But so the fuck what? It rocks!

Amazingly, Spielberg manages to make the kooky Mr Cruise seem like a real guy, freaking the hell out, really confused and scared, and totally fixated on saving his kids from these monsterous blood sucking alien invaders.

He’s so human and vulnerable, I could sort of imagine myself doing many of the same things. Though I probably would have been straighter with the kids about the alien invasion they were fleeing from, with the death rays, exploding buildings, tripods climbing up out of the ground, etc.

Speaking of the death ray, that was by far the scariest death ray I’ve ever seen, what with the arbitrariness of it, the whole f’toomp thing, with the exploding body just leaving clothes fluttering in the air. That was… Awesome… Scary.

I guess I’m getting ahead of myself… The real coolness started after the storm (which was awesome in itself, but only due to the reaction of the characters, hiding under the table and so on) when our man Ray goes for a walk and finds his way to the cracked up intersection… I thought the whole crowding around thing was a bit strange, but fine… But when the tripod started to rise, slowly cracking the ground, and the nearby buildings, then when there was that big surge and the ground sort of collapsed and then jumped up again… That was really, just… Super awesome.

What a terrifying scene, as the crowd panicked and started running… With people not being picked off just for being slow, stuck at the back of the pack, but almost randomly no matter how fast they were running, no matter if they’d run to hide in a house or a shop… *f’toomp* *flutter*.

Now, a lot of other stuff happened, and you’ll need to watch it to see all of that, I’d just like to get onto the lame and the good now, rather than go through anything resembling a play-by-play…

The weirdest, most lame, most inexplicable character, I thought, was Robbie… Just what the fuck was wrong with that kid? I mean, he was fine when he was just a dumb teenager at the beginning of the movie, but what the fuck was he doing trying to jump a ride with the national guard? And why the hell was he all "please dad, I have to see it, I have to watch, let me go." I’ve got to tell you, I would have smacked him one and dragged him down the hill away from the artillery, soldiers & tanks on the ridge overlooking (what, Boston?).

Oh, but wasn’t it awesome when all the choppers arrived and started letting rip with their Hellfires, and the jets that blasted overhead launching their own tasty little missiles.

So, let me quickly sum things up.

  1. Characters: cool, except Robbie.
  2. CG: awesome.
  3. Sound design: awesome (that huge horn that the tripods used, I want one on my RVR).
  4. Alien ships: Scary. w00t.
  5. Aliens: The rear leg was a little bit strange, but on the whole they were very very cool. The CG really was extremely nice.
  6. Rocking?: You bet.

Oh, and I couldn’t help myself but have a gigantic bucket of Starbucks White Chocolate Mocha… Soooo good.

Bored with writing this now, gonna have me some rissoles.

Goodnight, nurse.

Nausea in a Blanket.

Morgan Avery

To follow on from the new cocktail invention, I invented a delicious new snack this afternoon, I like to call it ‘Nausea in a Blanket’ — they’re really easy to make: unwrap a cheese slice, smear a teaspoon of American mayo on half of it, put a nice crispy pickled gherkin on the half without mayo and roll the cheese up over it. Now crunch that little baby up real good in your slavering mouth. Oh yeah, you know you like it!

(They don’t make me nauseous, but Claire doesn’t like pickles, so they’ll be unpopular with her.)

Ginger Bucket.

Morgan Avery

I invented a new cocktail (I doubt this is true, I just can’t be bothered checking who else has made the same thing) last night I call it the Ginger Bucket, basically it goes like this:

Pour as much VSOP brandy into a large bordeaux glass as you like for me I guess this about a double double, then fill the glass with Schweppe’s Ginger Beer (not ale).

Done.

Crikey it’s nice. Oh, for bullies sake, don’t use your nice Hennessy or anything, just a normal brandy does the trick perfectly.

Batman finally begins to kick some ass.

Morgan Avery

This post includes loads of references and spoilers for the new Batman movie Batman Begins. I don’t know that I give away anything that isn’t a bit obvious, but still… I’d hate to giveaway the fact that it turns out that Batman was dead for the whole time, and it was his ghost in the rest of the movie.

Now, this doesn’t take the form of a polished review, I haven’t editied or copy-checked or anything, this is really little more than a stream of conciousness ‘my thoughts on this’ format, so don’t expect more than that.

So, we went and saw Batman Begins, we caught a screening on opening day at the megascreen – we figured, hell, we had fun watching one of the Matrix sequels there, and the price is the same as seeing it at any pissy little normal cinema, so why not?

Bloody nice big screen, I thought the sound level was set a touch too loud, not quite to the point of peaking, it was just a little uncomfortable – still, it was nice and visceral to have some of the sound effects really getting in there and shaking the seating. Oh, and we made sure to be quite far back (it sucks being too close to the screen, having to look left and right to see things) 3rd row from back, in fact, which was pretty much ideal, maybe 4 or 5 seats closer to the centre would have been perfect, but I didn’t book our tickets very far in advance, so can’t complain about being in as good a spot as we got.

— Spoilers Begin —

I really enjoyed the movie, I liked the way they explained a few things which I wanted to know about, for example the stupid ears on the cowl were from the opera he was scared of when he was a child, the blades on his forearms from his ‘nija’ training, etc.

Speaking of the cowl, it was great to have little features and background trivia, like the mention of manufacturing faults in the cowls, and having to order so many thousands of them to avoid suspicion, and outsourcing distributed manufacturing around various companies in different countries. It was a really nice, realistic touch — you know, for a super hero movie.

I think Bale was great as Bruce Wayne, though I didn’t like it quite so much when he forced that throaty voice whenever out in his guise of Batman. Indeed, I think they did a great job with the whole cast, I thought Morgan Freeman was a real stand out, but he has such screen presence that’s really a given, his character was exactly who was needed to explain how Bruce gets his high-tech toys. It was nice having some very quick back story on him as well, gave him motivation (and obvious forshadowing for his later takeover), being shunted down to the storehouse, then being fired off in a very convenient (timely) manner. I also thought Michael Caine did a great job, and he has a lot more potential for arse kicking than the frail older guy they had previously. Have you seen Get Carter? Yeah, like that.

I didn’t understand what Bruce was doing when he was playing with the memory material making it into claws – they obviously didn’t use it later on in any fights or anything, so perhaps it’s forshadowing for use in a sequel. But it was a stupid idea anyway, when the claws weren’t in use, they dangled from his fingers like meter long pieces of string, which doesn’t sound very useful to me… Sounds like they’d just get tangled around things and be annoying.

I thought the Batmobile was (forgive me) RAD! But it was also involved in my least favourite event in the movie, the destruction of the monorail – that was stupid, did you see how big those towers were? How many people do you think were killed by the wreckage? It was just an outrageously stupid scene which simply didn’t gel the the (realtive) realism, perhaps that’s not the right word, maybe believability? of the rest of the movie. Internal consistency is completely vital when dealing with superheroes.

Speaking of the monorail, I thought the city design for Gotham was great, it was clearly such a sprawling metropolis, but with real looking buildings, real pollution, and a literal undercity. I didn’t like the deco (or whatever) styling that was given to the earlier movies, and I’m glad they reset that aspect of it. I’m expecting that they’ll use the monorail as part of the symbolism of the cities improvement, they obviously had the monorail as a shiney lovely thing when Thomas Wayne was still around, and how decrepit and graffito’d/vandalised it had become, so expect it to look nice again in the later movies. (I’m assuming it’ll be repaired following the Batmobile attack, that seemed to only effect a few spans.)

Oh, and that’s another thing, how the fucking hell did Batman manage to stay dangling on his cable underneath the monorail? His monofilament would have had to be magically passing through numerous solid supporting structures, but he just hung on, as if nothing was happening. If they were going to have him do that, they should have either made the carriage dangle from a rail above, or find some other way for him to hold on that didn’t involve magic.

Actually, that grapnel gun was the source of one of my other quibbles, at one point (I think it was right after he was set alight) he seemed to attach it to thin air, fired it straight up, or at least it seemed that way. I didn’t like that. Just have a fucking girder, for bullies sake. Perhaps if I watch the movie again some time it’ll be obvious that I missed something, but it didn’t seem like it on first viewing.

Last big quibble before finishing on a couple more positives – the psychoactive substance in the water, it needed to be inhaled through the lungs, sure is lucky no-one ever has steamy showers or makes coffee or shaves or washes their hands in the city, huh? Now, as the inhabitants of Gotham clearly do do those things, why wasn’t the city already chocka with nutsos?

It was nice to have Gordon in there in his pre-commissioner days, obviously he’ll be slowly climbing the ranks and helping Batman gradually clear up the worst of the corruption in the city until he’s finally a straight and reliable commissioner running things and being nice and sympathetic to our mate in a cowl, probably with an asshole mayor or unsympathetic press (maybe an opportunity for an ideally very brief appearance of Vikki Vale) or something like that.

I also liked the way they included the evil villain (Scarecrow) as a scary but non-campy, non-comical, psychopathic nut-job. He seemed to have motivation and at least a little bit of depth. And I loved it when he was shrieking like a girl after getting tazered in the face, that was awesome. I hope they manage to do something similar with The Joker when (it opened number 1 in the box office in the U.S., and seems to be going strong, so unless Bale isn’t in to it, surely they’ll have to make several?) they make the sequel, I don’t want to see a capering giggling clownfaced guy, I want to see a completely psychopathic brutal criminal. He can have a lunatic grin, sure, but I’d prefer he not have the big red clown lips – please?

A murder has been done.

Morgan Avery

I went past the scene of the Eden Tce dairy murder on the way to the po box this afternoon. This whole thing is really horrible. The guys body was still inside. There were a few TV news cameras around, but I think they were in the middle of the long waiting game they must have to play in these situations.

I spoke to a couple of people watching, everyone was pretty much in a state of disbelief that anything like this could happen.