Lost Season 1 Finale, now with 100% more spoilers.

We watched the last couple of hours of Lost a week or so ago… Finally worn down by Claire – we’ve had all the episodes for (seems like) months, but I wouldn’t let her watch them, something about good things and those who wait, and instant gratification being for children, or something lame and self-righteous.

I’m serious, if you haven’t seen the final episode(s) already, don’t read this. If you have you probably shouldn’t bother, just kick it down towards the end, I’m guessing my own conclusions in the last few paragraphs, the rest of this entry is pretty much just a blow-by-blow of what happens through the last couple of hours.


I think the last thing we saw at the end of the previously aired episode was the discovery the Black Rock, yes?

Well, the explosives hidden in the hold of the Black Rock are some seriously sweaty and dangerous old sticks of dynamite, coated with gelignite, and just waiting for a shaft of sunlight, or a slight bump to set them off, and they were really playing up to this one — anyone else expecting one of the things to go off? Well, I’m sure we all were, but right then?.. *boomf* Poor old Hurley, now he has pieces of Arzt is all over him.

Speaking of Hurley, it was interesting for them to expose a new Flashback fact – he doesnt actually have bad luck, the numbers — or whatever — were doing everything they could to keep him from making the plane, and safely away from the island. He was just being too tenacious to be put off. So perhaps he isn’t the jinx he thinks? He’s is a hundred & sixty times millionaire, after all. So maybe the numbers were just upset that he was driving such a stupid big car?

So while Kate, Jack (who still has some Arzt on him, r d r r) & Locke are carrying a couple of bags with carefully wrapped sticks of dynamite to the hatch

We’re back on the beach, where Danielle the Minbari is stealing Claire’s baby and bolting… Thank the bully that huge hero Charlie is around to save the day, oh, excuse, I was living in an alternate reality for a second – Charlie is still just a gigantic fucking moron. When is he going to stop acting like a child? So he goes berko and with — everyone’s favourite British-Indian-fake-Iraqi, — the hot and capable Sayid they go on a mad cross-island psycho-Croatian-fake-French-bitch-hunt.

Oh, oh, but we’ve got imperilled castaways elsewhere — the nutsos on the boat are really cruising off at a fair clip…

By the way, I’ve got to tell you, there’s no fucking way I’d have headed off on the boat, if they make it you’ll get rescued too, if they die you’re still "safe" on the island. Sure, I’d be happy to help build the boat, but… I’ll see you when you send help dudes, have fun with your rotten old fruit, salt-water and scorching sun. I’ll stay here on the beach eating fruit, pork & fish, and drinking cool fresh mountain water.

… Anyway, so they’re cruising off, Sayid set them up with a radar (which, BTW, wouldn’t work, it’s tied to the mast, so while the display clearly requires it to be rotating around, as you’d expect, it’s actually just pointing in whatever direction the boat is pointing, so they’d be able to see one point directly in front of them, I mean, if there was something to see). So there’s some drama with the keel falling off and Michael (aka: Mr. I’m a bad father with anger issues!) discovering that Sawyer is packing heat — and I’m not talking about his good looks — when he swims off and hauls back the keel.

Sayid & Charlie are still running through the jungle, Charlie is an unfit has-been rockstar junkie, so he falls behind a bit, but their path takes them past the fallen Beechcraft, and during a quick breather Sayid lets slip about all the – dun dun duhhhhh – heroin… Then they’re off again, and now our mate Charlie has a lovely new Virgin Mary statuette in his satchel, yay, Charlie, you’re not a pathetic weak-minded little criminal loser or anything, you’re a big hero! Good for you!

Our friends with the explosive backpacks are still trudging through the jungle, when something weird zoooots by and catches their eye… And it reall is a weird thing, we backed up the DVD to have another look… It’s like a crappy dart shape made of black smoke or shadows. I guess, if they try to explain it it’ll turn out to be exhaust smoke or something, but there’s just no way that’s possible if you look at it.

Shortly after that the ‘big monster’ comes back and starts smashing up trees, it looked to me like they were blowing upwards from underneath, so I’m continuing with my guess that it’s something underground, some crazy mining equipment or something stupid like that… Anyway, Locke gets grabbed and starts being dragged along the floor of the jungle towards a hole, with a sound exactly like a big ratchet pulling a huge clanking chain, I don’t know how anyone can possibly still think it’s a monster rather than people operating machinery.

Jack catches up and grabs Locke before he can be pulled down the hole, that crazy cripple asks tells him to let him go… He’s got almost a serene smile on his face, he says he knows the island won’t hurt him, it has other plans… Anyway, Jack ain’t havin’ none of that, so he gets Kate to chuck one of the greasy old sticks of dynamite down the hole, and they manage to get Locke free after theat slodes and they haul ass off to the hatch (very single minded, mmm?).

Chuckles Charlie & fake-British-Indian-Iraqi Sayid are approaching the pillar of smoke on the far side of the island from their ‘base’, and discover it’s nothing but a drum of (I guess) petrol or diesel or something burning away… There’s no one there. Then poor old fake-French Danielle appears with the baby, which is safe and well, and Charlie goes off at her, he really is a shit. The poor lady, in her stolen-child-fueled-grief had hoped to swap Aaron for her own son.

It’s night time on the boat and low and behold, but the radar has picked something up, but, oh no, it’s going away again, hey, how about we fire our only flare? Ok, let’s do it.

Locke & Jack wire the remaining dynamite to the hinges of the hatch and run a pretty long fuse off into the jungle… As soon as they light it Hurley spots his numbers engraved on the side of the exterior of the shaft and freaks out, starts shouting about the numbers and trying to kick the fuse to death, I was kind of expecting him to go the way of Arzt, but he gets tackled to the ground in time for the splosion

Long story short, the ‘contact’ comes back and turns out to be a crappy little boat (definitely not of ocean going size) crawling with dirty men… And they abduct Walt, shoot Sawyer, and blow up the boat, leaving Jin & Michael in the water, and Sawyer somewhere under the water. Uh-oh.

… The hatch has been blown open, so our pals walk over and have a look down into the shaft, it’s long, and most of the rungs of a built in ladder have fallen off… So with them standing around the hatch staring down the shaft, we fade to black.

And that’s it, the end. Yay, thanks for tying up all those loose ends, you cock-arsed bastards.

Now, I think the guys on the boats are the decendents of the pirates — I think of them as pirates, even though I guess they were actually slavers? — anyway, they’re the sons of the slaver crew, and they have to keep abducting kids to keep their little population up. Hence Danielle’s baby and their attempt to get Claire’s baby Aaron as well.

I expect all the guys on the boat are going to be okay, the boat is fucked but it still floats, Sawyer was only shot through the shoulder and Jin will probably save his ass and pull him onto the boat while Michael is going nuts worrying about his newly stolen son.

I guess as soon as the new season starts in the states I’m going to have to start downloading it, as I now really want to know what the hell is going on — and how they’ll be able to rationally tie everything together.

Number one lesson learned: Next time I’m not pissing around, I’m just gonna watch the DVDs, it’s so much more enjoyable without all the fucking adverts.