Make my Lunch!

The Baker Monkey Presents
How to Make a Monkey’s Lunch

Since I shot to stardom after releasing my hit record ‘Monkey Sings the Tunes’ I’ve been literally inundated with a letter… All of it asking me what I’d like to have for lunch today, well, finally, I’ve got an answer for you, today I’d like to have a weird sandwich, with some meat, and a lot of cheese.

NB. This is the new improved version of this page, and has been updated with directions on how to pour a cup of any beverage.

INGREDIENTS: French bread; cooked steak; camembert; blue cheese; shame cheese; sundried tomatoes; kitchen scissors; butter knife; bread knife.

SLICE part of your french loaf off. About this (indicates with hands) long.

CUT the piece down the middle, and scrape out the excess bread in there with your bread scraper – if you haven’t got one of these marvels, use your finger.

GIVE the excess to your dog George, he loves it.

BUTTER your bread on the top side – those bottom side bread butterers are all WRONG!

ADD some shame cheese.

CLEVERLY cut up some of your steak with the scissors, I find it faster and easier to use scissors than a knife. If you haven’t got kitchen scissors, do what you like… Tear it up with your hands for all I care.

THIS is what a carefully cut piece of steak looks like.

USE the kitchen scissors again to cut the sundried tomatoes up into nice slivers.

TURN your lump of blue cheese into a number of smaller lumps.

SLICE off a couple of bits of camembert.

PUT some more shame cheese on top, and put the whole thing on a slightly ugly plate.

FINALLY, put the whole thing on your INSTA-HEAT-2000™, if you haven’t got one of these amazing time savers, I guess you could use your microwave oven, or even put it under a grill.

Grind some salt and pepper on top, if you like, but again, I really don’t care.


Since releasing my directions on how to make my lunch, I’ve been inundated with a torrent of no email ask, nay, begging, me to provide direction how what drink would be the perfect accompaniment for this fine gourmet meal, well, here it is.

TAKE one bottle of any softdrink. I would have preferred Mountain Dew, but I already drank all of it. Make sure it’s chilled.

VERY carefully measure out a cup of the beverage, making sure to take into account the meniscus.

DECANT the precise quantity of your beverae into a cup.

TAKE a look at it, perfect quantity.

TOP up the cup until it’s actually full.


Goodnight, nurse.