Chocolate Cake

The Baker Monkey Presents:
Chocolate Cake

Last night I built a chocolate cake, rather than risk a second disappointment (as I experienced when I tried to build a banana feijoa cake a few weeks ago) I opted for a fast and easy packet mix… Edmonds Chocolate Cake Mix!

It’s a simple recipe, and only cost about $2 at Foodtown… The chocolate bits were also about $2 for a couple of hundred grams.

360g box of Edmonds Chocolate Cake Mix; 2 eggs; Butter; Water; Chocolate; Pistachio nuts which Little Red wouldn’t let me include in the mix.

Preheat oven to 180C
PREHEAT oven to 180°C or 160°C for a fan forced oven. This is the sentence with which I finally confirmed that every time I type ‘oven’ I fuck it up and type ‘over’ instead, this is lame. If it was a horse, you’d shoot it.

Grease cake tin
LINE base of one deep 20cm round or square cake tin with baking paper or lightly grease a non-stick pan. As you can see, I chose to coat a non-stick pan with massive gobbets of butter. Yum.

Put dry ingredients in bowl
cake mix into a small mixing bowl.

Add 2 eggs
ADD two eggs.

Add water, softened butter, and vanilla essence
ADD 2/3rd cup of water, 45g soft butter. I also put in a teaspoon of vanilla essence, artificial, obviously, as I don’t bake much, and am a filthy heathen when it comes to having adequate supplies in the larder… Come to think of it, I don’t have a larder at all, just some workshop shelves I knocked together.

Mix well, add some melted chocolate.
MIX it all up real good… I must say, my wooden spoon technique is well nigh perfect. At this stage I diverted from the recipe a bit and put about 100g of melted chocolate bits into the batter… Don’t complain, I’m allowed to take these sort of risks, it’s my fucking life, so butt out.

Pour mix into cake tin
POUR the mixture into the well greased (or lined) cake tin.

Put cake tin into oven
GENTLY place the cake tin into the preheated oven.

Clean up the mess while you wait for the cake to cook
NOW would be a real good time to clean up your mess, you filthy fat pig.

Take the cake out of the oven 35 - 40 minutes later
37 MINUTES later, the cake is ready to come out of the oven. You can’t quite see from this angle just how very dome shaped the cake is, if I knew more about baking I’d be able to explain it, I suspect it’s probably got something to do with black magic, or KZ7, or some other boat, don’t ask me how.

Allow it to cool on a rack
SLAM the cake out of the tin with a mallet, or a brick, or your flatmates head — it’s also acceptable to allow it to gently slide out of the tin using gravity, though this technique is frowned on by purists — and leave it to cool on a rack.

Make some icing
THIS is a cup full of chocolate sitting on a set of scales, I’m using it to illustrate the fact that as well as all the chocolate bits that I put into the mix, I also put a-fucking-lot (this is new-metric equal to around 150g, or well over twice as much as the recipe calls for) in the icing. Also a good tablespoon of butter… Then melted them together in the cup, which I floated in a bowl of hot water. This is where I would have added some of the pistachio nuts, smashed up… The rest I would have sprinkled on the icing once it was pasted into place.

Put the icing on the cake
ADMIRE my freshly iced cake.

Cut the cake
DROOL as you realise you’re not getting any.

Serve the cake
DROP BY in the next day or so (if you’re a friend of mine), and tell me you want some of my cake because … Today is 28 May, 2002.

Try to communicate with the cake more effectively, tell it that it's bum doesn't look big in that.
… THIS is all that’s left, and I haven’t had any yet today.

That’s all she wrote.