The latest in the long line of Alien & Predator movies, but only the second with both (excluding the Alien skull in Predator 2), and it shouldn’t have been made. Not like this.

I reckon the directors of being at fault in this.  The actors seemed fine, there characters were just awful. I accuse the directors of incompetence, perhaps they were dropped off on set every morning in the shortbus. I don’t know.  But whatever it is that’s wrong with them, they shouldn’t be allowed to ruin any more movies.

There are no frights, not even one. There’s barely even a glimmer of a hint of any tension. They ruin any chance of that early in the movie, when things that might have a psychological effect if they were left offscreen are instead done in front of our eyes. So lame.

The main bad guy here is a Predalien, which isn’t nearly as bad as that fucking white hybrid monstrosity with the eyes that featured in Alien3, but is still … annoying.

You see, I really don’t think we don’t need this shit – the Aliens are scary monsters.

They’ve had gimmicks built in since the beginning, what with the telescoping inner jaw, acid blood, slobbering drool out of their crystal teeth, and no eyes set into their shiny black exoskeletons, they really don’t need any more. (I thought the Dogalien in Alien3 was also godawful stupid, so understand my perspective.)

It’s a damn shame, I think that one of the ideas in play here – that of a Predator ‘fixer’ come to Earth to clean up an accidental release of Aliens, by killing them all and hiding the bodies (well, dissolving), but first having to do detective work to track them all down, even including a Predator-style CSI scene – is actually a really cool one. This Predator is a dude. He uses a damn whip for fucks sake. I mean, come on. It was cool when Indiana Jones did it, and it’s even cooler when a 7-foot tall alien does it.

I guess maybe some of the characters don’t completely suck, but they all suck a bit, and most of them suck entirely. What’s the point of completely unsympathetic characters? That just guarantees – as if the poor filmmaking didn’t already – that any tense moments will slide aside as we instead see assholes get rent. (The limb from limb kind, not the ‘pay for temporary or semi-permanent accommodation’ sort.)

Oh, and the things they make the young girl do, all that stuff by the pool? That was simply exploitative. It was ridiculous. If you’re going to try to have a girl dress like that & act all hot in the ass, at least make her look over twenty, or it’s squicky. (IMDb doesn’t have a bio for her, so I don’t know what her age actually is. She looked too young.)

For a little while in the middle, it felt like maybe it was going to get over it’s suckiness and turn into something fun, but of course I was only deluding myself. (Like the directors.) The ending was just, really and truly, appalling.

Taken as a whole, AVPR is just not good.

By the way, that “in-joke” reference for all the fanboys? You know the one I’m talking about, that “oh wow that guy just called that woman Yutani, I bet no one else in the theatre even got that” moment. Everyone got it – it was as subtle as a shovel to the back of the head.

I want to see more Aliens vs Predator movies. Or more Alien movies. Or more Predator movies. These stories have a lot of potential, but this one?.. Well, maybe a good game will come of it.

Just… Just don’t even bother.